The Rules To Be Known
To Become a Real Programmer

---

Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's

Real Programmers can write 5 page long DO loops without getting confused

Real Programmers like arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting

Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if it can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop

Real Programmers don't know their wives's name; they do know, however, the entire ASCII code table

Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read

Real Programmer's programs never work the first time. But if you throw it into the machine, it can be made to work in "only a few" 30-hour sessions

Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, COBOL, Ada or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories

Real Programmers think structured programming is a communist plot

Real Programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line

Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave; Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running by listening to the rate of popping

Real Programmers only use a Direct Memory Editor to build a program. They only use an assembler if they wrote it themselves

Real Programmers don't work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmer is around at 9 AM, it's because he was up all night

Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems; they turn off the RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security data sets

Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores are not open at 3 AM. They survive on twinkies and coffee

Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look what it did to them!